The Cleaning Solution

So, back a few years ago, when resident hubby and I began dating...I wasn't working and I wasn't in school. I knew that the four month Minnesota trip was looming in the air. Unfortunately, the time frame overlapped with semesters at school and I knew a job would not let me leave for four months and come back. Also, resident hubby stuck with me from the beginning with all of the chaos with my sister...and so I eventually went with him. :)

During this time that I was off, I took care of the condo, got us settled in moving in, organized the mail, got dinner together, and life was pretty dandy. I would always tell resident hubby that this was not how things were going to be in the future when I knew that I would be in work and school... I would just smile and say that I would need his help and he assured me that he would help as much as he could. My friends teased me about me being the only one cleaning up and said, "Avi...don't let him get used it..."

*sigh*

When we got home from Minnesota, I immediately got a job...and, a month later, I began school...and, dude, the rude awakening began... :)

The only fights that we seemed to have last year...revolved around cleaning. I will confess that resident hubby has made HUGE, HUGE strides in his cleaning habits...but...our place, especially now with a constantly shedding pug and two exhausted inhabitants, gets messy...very fast. Laundry piled up...the mail remained in boxes until whenever it got sorted...dog hair would collect in places that the dog didn't even enter (behind our bed, on various pieces of furniture, etc.)...and the arguments continued.

It was quite a vicious cycle because these fights were always guilt-ridden for the both of us.

Resident hubby felt guilty because he didn't remember to do things (garbage day) or did them differently (ahem, maybe not as thoroughly as me)... I would feel guilty asking him to help with cleaning after he spent 14 hours at work and, ultimately, I felt resentments brewing because a dirty house...just didn't affect him like it affected me.

Last month, I finally said to myself, "enough."

I called Molly Maids...and, almost tearfully, asked how much they charged. I say "tearfully" because I think every person knows how hard it is to juggle everything and try to maintain a clean home. I know men who complain about their messy wives...and I know women who complain about their messy husbands. So, this isn't an issue of gender, really. (In fact, my father was the one who maintained our family home because my mother worked the day shift at the hospital and my father worked midnights.) I grew up in a house that was basically immaculate most of the time...and I still have no idea how my parents maintained it so well with three kids and two senior citizens (my grandparents) running around. (Actually I do--they just cleaned a little here, a little there...all of the time.)

Anyways, I nearly fell over when Molly Maids told me $75-$85 an hour...and they had restrictions on what they would do. When I told my best friend, H, about this...she remembered that she had a friend of a friend who happens to clean homes now since she was laid off earlier this year. I thought this was wonderful, especially since this person was looking for some steady income.

So, S, our cleaning lady...has come every other Monday...for the last month and a half. My best friend laughs at me because, I confess, I clean, too, when she's here! (Note: I fold laundry, clean between the folds of the leather couch, clean out the fridge--you know, all the stuff that I don't think she needs to do.)

Ladies and gentleman, on top of charging (in my opinion) a ridiculously low fee for being here for 4-5 hours and cleaning everything SOOOO thoroughly...I am so happy to have done this, despite how hard it was to ask for help.

I highly, highly recommend it to anyone...because you will be amazed at how much time it frees up in your schedule or, simply, in your thoughts! The week, I was thinking about buying new pillowcase covers for the pillows on the couch...and then I thought getting some cheap Christmas decorations to hang up...and then I thought about maybe buying some new rugs for the entry way.

Folks, I have not thought about these random, little things in almost 2 years that I've been in school and working...because I just haven't had the time to think about anything extra!

All in all, it still is a little weird to let someone into your home to clean your stuff. I still do feel a little bit like a failure...but, in the end, I remind myself that this gives me more time to study for my 22 credits worth of classes, take Moe to the dog park, and to cuddle with resident hubby when he's had a tough day at work...

You know...the stuff that really matters at the end of the day... :)

Saturated

Oh, dear...I can't wait until Monday!

Things going on this week:

~ Register for the winter semester (which means obsess about which courses to take)
~ 2 exams today
~ 1 exam tomorrow
~ 2 exams Wednesday
~ find time to volunteer at old elementary school for chunk of grade in pediatric psych course
~ essay due on Friday
~ work or pretend to work on project due in six weeks
~ work, work
~ eat, eat
~ sleep, sleep
~ cuddle with Moe :)

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween! :)

The Work Front

So, I have another job interview today...

I had one earlier this week but I wasn't chosen for the position... The first one went great...but, unfortunately, it's not really a selling point to a job that you are a student. I wish that I didn't have to disclose that but that wouldn't be fair... I'm looking forward to this interview...even if nothing comes of it. An interview alone gives me hope. :)

Anyways, my job is in an interesting state of transition. One secretary is retiring after many, many years...and many of us are relieved. She is someone who is conniving, cold, nosy, and inappropriate. She's in her 60s...and casually mentioned to me one time that she drove past one of our patients' homes, just to see how big their house was. We had some pregnant coworkers this year and whenever they called in sick, she wanted to know, in full detail, what was wrong...so she could tell everyone else. When we are getting a lot of patients admitted to our floor, she will wait until the other floor/hospital calls report (a sign that they are on their way)...to take her "break"...simply so she does not have to do the paperwork when they come in. She also sits at the desk...and will not move for the 8 hours that she is working. One of our other secretaries, who lives out in the middle of nowhere, saw her driving in their neighborhood.

*sigh* Yes, this is the insanity of where I work.

This woman...represents so much of what is hard for me to accept with my job and the people that I work with. In this economy, I realize that having a part time position (with benefits) is a miracle. Then again, having a job, in general, is a miracle! To many of my coworkers, it's simply a place where they are supposed to be at, at a certain time...to do the bare minimum...and to see how many people they can screw with. There is so much manipulation and effort put into avoiding work...that is SOOOO simple to begin with. Worst of all, there is NO sense of a team.

There are some coworkers of mine that are phenomenal...but, unfortunately, they are just as frustrated as me by the lazy folks. Everyone I know seems to be looking for a transfer off our floor...and it just speaks miles about the sense of frustration on our floor.

I've worked in other departments where we definitely had our drama...but, oddly enough, from what I remember, everyone put aside their differences when we got busy. We just worked in silence...and called it a day. I've never worked on a floor where human resources got involved because it was so bad... Our manager is so passive...and lets everyone get away with everything. :(

I went to work a few days ago and chatted with a coworker of mine who happens to work near our main desk where all of the secretaries sit at. She felt really bad and didn't go into too much detail...but told me, "Avi, some of the things that they say about you, when you are not here, are soooooo ridiculous that I just sit here and shake my head." I guess they were irked that I brought in pictures of my very inexpensive wedding dress...and was showing it to people that I know. Heaven forbid, I wanted to show others my dress...because I'm excited about getting married... But, on a deeper level, many of their frustrations...probably don't have anything to do with me.

I'm sorry that your current boyfriend left you at the altar 7 years ago.

I'm sorry that you spent $3,000 on your wedding dress and that it is sitting in a garbage bag in your closet.

I'm sorry that my dog is calm and trained to ring a bell to go to the bathroom while yours is crazy and poops everywhere in your house. But, on a side note, maybe you should let him out of the basement and take him out on a walk since you haven't in YEARS.

The interesting part about all of this...is that I don't think that they know...what they say. They don't realize that I'm friends with the cleaning folks, the pharmacists, the quiet nurses, and other clerks on other floors...who have all heard what is said about me and report back to me. Sometimes, I think I should call them out on it...and let them know. Wouldn't that be fun? :)

All the while, I help them with their homework...planning our their school schedules...organizing the floor so we have a little less work to do...arranging my schedule so that they get the days off that they like...and not being mean to them if they stick me with all of the work... I do this because I simply can't be mean. I just don't want to stoop to their level.

While at work, I'm happy...and I keep busy. I stay calm...but, as soon as I leave, I'm frustrated and ready to scream on the way home from work. After almost 2 years of this nonsense, I'm just tired... With a new school registration period about to begin, I'm expecting drama with the schedule...and I can already feel myself getting worked up and wondering how I'm going to get screwed over.

I rarely ask this...but, I just need some positive thoughts...

It seems like the last couple of weeks have been really weird and, for once in my life, I simply don't know what to do. With how long it has taken me to even get an interview with another position, I am well aware...that the next job has to be a good fit for me because I might not be able to transfer again for a long time... I'm afraid to leave for a new position because of all of the "what ifs."

What if I can't get a schedule that helps me with school?

What if it is just as bad if not worse?

What if I am leaving for the wrong reasons?

What if I regret it?

But...in the end, I can't help but feel like I would take anything that came my way. I'm the type of person who can't sit around and wait for things to get better. I'm a person of action who realizes...when something simply can't be fixed.

Dear J (Month 36, Monthly Newsletter)

Dear Jason,

On Wednesday, we celebrated 3 years, or 36 months, of our very first date. We went on it about 15 hours after we met through the Yahoo Personals and chatted online till about 2am. I'm very embarassed...because it's been an eternity since I wrote you a letter. In fact, it's been exactly 13 months. :o(

The last letter I wrote to you was about a month before we got Moe, our "pretty awesome" pug. Throwing a dog into our already chaotic lives was...well...pretty psychotic. But, it has been almost a year and, thankfully, everyone is still alive...thriving...and always anxious for dinner. :)

Another reason for the lack of posting...is that this year has been quite a toughie. I'd like to believe that the toughness was for both you and I...but I have a feeling that a chunk of your stress was knowing that there weren't very many solutions in sight. My coworkers were nutty...which meant that my work schedule was nutty...which meant that my school schedule was nutty, too. This meant that I was driving all around town to either go to class, go to work, or take our pug out to putty. By the way, I am not embarrassed to admit that I am mildly aroused at the thought of having a yard in the future. :-P

Anyways, what I'm trying to say in a very funky way...is that I know I've been funky this year. Oddly enough, when I apologize to you for this (which I did throughout the year)...you never once told me that I sucked at anything. Instead, you would always hug me and tell me that I'm an amazing person who is doing remarkably well despite the horrific things that had happened to me in the past.

Jason...I love you...but, secretly, I thought you would just tell me this to make me feel better. It took me this year to realize...that you actually meant it...and that's just weird. :-P

So...we have this inside joke between us and this joke is SOOO MESSED UP but, oddly enough, it's how I know, without a doubt, that you are the man that my parents sent to me from heaven...to make sure that I'd get through life just fine without them. (Readers, bear with me--it's really, really funky.)

So, a little over 5 years ago, both of my parents passed away in a fire of pretty horrific circumstances. These circumstances ultimately lead me to be sober..and grow up...and you got to hear all about this on our first date. You sat and listened intently as I spoke about how I planned to get back to school...and you didn't treat me like "damaged goods." You didn't think I was crazy when I mentioned that I had no desire of owning a fireplace (I don't like open flames)...and you even gave up alcohol on our second date. Anyways...back to the inside joke. :)

When we began living together, we watched a lot of movies together. I mentioned to you one time that it seemed like EVERY FREAKING movie that I watched...had some scene where any of the following happened:

1) Someone got set on fire.
2) Something blew up which resulted in people being on fire.
3) Someone said something about them or someone else being on fire.
4) Someone mentions how self-immolation is the absolute worst way to die.

I mentioned how oddly common it was...and you may have thought I was nuts...until you began noticing the same thing. You noticed that almost EVERY FREAKING movie has a fire scene somewhere...even when the movie suggests nothing of it.

The South Part Movie, The Wicker Man, Tropic Thunder, Team America, Slumdog Millionaire, Watchmen, and...ladies and gentleman...the romantic comedy, What Happens in Vegas. Yes, there is a scene in the movie where the judge, played by Dennis Miller, says the following (and I quote):

"Listen, I've been married for twenty five years to the same wonderful, infuriating woman. And granted there are days when I want to light her on fire but I don't, because I love her. And that would be illegal. And you know something, I might be old fashioned but when I said those vows, I meant them."

We watched this movie together randomly one day...and when this exact scene happened, we looked at each other...and then burst into uncontrollable laughter...:) I was laughing so hard...........that I completely forgot the horrific circumstances leading to the joke existing in the first place. I realize that it will sound so messed up to people...but that's the neat thing. No one is going to understand why we were basically rolling on the floor with laughter that evening...

It is in these random moments...where I know, from the pit of my soul, that you are my soul mate...and that I simply wouldn't be the insanely happy person that I am today if you weren't in my life.

I don't have much to add to that...because it is a very calm statement for me to make. The calmness of the statement comes from the fact that you've never made me feel unsafe, unloved, unwelcome, unsure, or un-connected to you... Sure, we have our 10 minute bicker sessions (note: that are usually fixed by me having dinner)...but, all in all, you're simply my best friend...and the love of my life.

I often tell others that I don't need to win the lottery in life...because, quite honestly, I already did...:)

As I said a few weeks ago, which lead to our decision to have an insanely small destination wedding (more details on that later), I don't need an expensive dress, a huge wedding, a dual ceremony, or even a ring... I'm just so excited to be your wife...and everything else simply doesn't matter. (Okay, okay--just one small demand--could we try to have Moe be a part of the wedding??? :-P)

Cheers to another chaotic year full of change ahead of us...complete with more laughter from fire scenes in movies that we'll see. :-D

Love,

Me

Paranormal Activity

So, if you hate scary movies, I would recommend never seeing Paranormal Activity. :)

It is truly terrifying...

5 Years

So, 5 years ago, today, a few hours ago, both of my parents passed away in a fire in our home.

The fire was labeled a murder/suicide after police had collected enough evidence to support the fact that my father struck my mother unconscious in the basement of our home, then doused himself with gasoline, and set himself on fire. Oddly enough, when my father was a 7 year old child, his horrible mother disciplined him by pouring gasoline on him...but not setting him on fire.

My siblings and I were all home at the time. At approximately 8:30am, I heard a loud gust of wind which might have been the moment that my father ignited himself. Neighbors have told me that a huge gust of wind did occur around that time of morning. I woke out of bed and, for whatever reason, I thought a tornado was coming towards the house. I heard my father screaming and ran into my brother's room and pulled him out of bed. As I ran down the stairs, my father was running up a lower set of stairs, engulfed in flames.

My sister, who was in the downstairs bedroom, doesn't remember till this day when she grabbed a blanket but she had one. We were in the kitchen screaming for my father to stop, drop, and roll....and trying to put the blanket on his body to extinguish the flames. (It is amazing how what they teach you in grade school kicks in during an emergency.) At some point, I can't recall when, I ran down to the basement to get my mother, who my father said was in the basement. I stood at the top of the stairs and held my hand out into the black smoke that emanated from it. I felt heat...and I knew that I couldn't go in. I ran upstairs and, literally, picked up my 12 year old brother and ran to a neighbor's house. As I rang the doorbell, he answered, and all I could state was one word, "fire." My sister came out a few seconds after me with my grandmother. She, too, had tried to run down to the basement...to get my mother.

Fire trucks, police cars, and ambulances littered our street. I remember that it felt like an eternity for them to get there. Reading the police report later, it took them 3 minutes from the time that they were called to get to our home. It was in those 3 minutes that siblings and I knew that our parents were gone...

The days following the fire were horrible. Our church community was going nuts--calling the police department for details. The local news were camped out in front of our home for weeks. We didn't watch tv or listen to the radio. When we went to a grocery store one night, strangers approached us and said, "Wow...you're the daughters from the fire. How's your brother doing?" Some friends and neighbors acted inappropriately...and others were angels. My sister became physically and emotionally violent towards me...and my drinking increased. Our debts grew...and things were just a mess. I was suffering from severe PTSD, anxiety attacks, and insomnia. I had no idea how I was going to go back to any form of normalcy... There were many days that I simply did not want to get out of bed...or open my eyes.

Oddly enough, some after the fire, I remember telling some of my friends, "I can't wait to get to five years from now when I know that I'm going to be okay."
* * * * *
It's five years later...and so much has changed.

I've been sober for almost 4 years. I've been with resident hubby for almost 3, in which we began living together after 2 months of dating when my sister kicked me out of my deceased parents' home. We've had Moe, our fabulous pug, for over a year now. I'm going to be a senior next year in school. I just got my wedding dress last weekend. Resident hubby and I are looking at homes for rent in various cities throughout the country...and, wow, life is great...

I still miss my parents terribly...but I'm doing better with each year. I can't explain to anyone how every good moment is bittersweet--it seems as if some people think that I shouldn't let the past taint the future. But, others, who have lost someone that they love feel the same exact way as me. It's weird to explain, but I'm okay my grief today. I enjoy the tears that I cry sometimes...because pain is growth. The tears are a reminder that my parents greatly influenced who I am today...

Despite the horrific way that they passed away, both of their deaths seem senseless... It's getting around the time where resident hubby and I are talking about when we want to have kids...and I'm sad that my parents aren't going to get to spoil the living daylights out of them...because I know that they would.

But...I know that they are there. They've always been with me...and I'm so happy that I can see some of the miracles that have happened to me over the last couple of years. Whether it's having my education paid for by financial aid, or the insanely close relationship that I have with my future in-laws, or the fact that my sister is making small steps of progress towards becoming a nicer person...it's all really miraculous...

I'm an insanely blessed person...and, wow, I just never thought I'd be this happy in life....:)

Thank you, mom and dad...for never letting me go.

Drama and the Dress

Yesterday, my sister (yes, I know--weird) and I went wedding dress shopping at a David's Bridal in the area.

It was a bit of a funky experience--we had just gotten into a bit of a tiff the day before because, long story short, we went to update our safety deposit box account at the bank. This box holds of my parents' jewelry, including the wedding jewelry that they bought for me years before they passed away. The tiff resulted when my sister adamantly insisted that she would take the jewelry home "to clean" and then we'd deposit it back into the safety deposit. With our long history and knowing how she has screwed me over financially the last couple of years, I was not a happy camper. I liked the fact that the jewelry was at the bank and that both parties have to be in attendance to access it... This is safe...and I like it this way. Her taking it home opens the door to countless BAD possibilities.

My sister returned to her old ways and turned my agitation around on me--in public, in front of the bank clerk.

"You know, I don't know why you're making this a big deal. It's not like I'm going to take the jewelry and sell it or something. Frankly, I'm insulted that you're suggesting otherwise."

No, dear sister, I can't imagine you selling it. But, I can imagine that you will now hold it hostage and I might never see it again because, let's face it, its your M.O. to totally ignore my emotions on the topic.

*sigh*

So, she took the jewelry home. (In my defense, what could I have possibly have done? Called the police?)

BUT...I managed to get the bangles that my parents bought for me for my wedding. I insisted that I take those before she left which she happily obliged (because, you know, I'm the one with the problem :-P). They are the only pieces of jewelry that I really, really wanted... Everything else is out of my hands and my sister is, without a doubt, just a difficult person.

* * *

We made this appointment at David's Bridal well before this incident...so, I put my emotions aside and she joined me there (I was so angry that I really didn't want to hang out with her, to be honest, but I also didn't want to stoop to her level.). My best friend was supposed to come...but, unfortunately, her babysitter cancelled on her at the last minute. :(

I tried on many dresses...but my sister kept on insisting that I try on this one dress that she saw. When I saw it in the package, I wasn't really impressed...so I kinda sorta dismissed it. By the end of the appointment, I just wasn't impressed with any of the gowns. It seemed like each one that I tried on had little things that I just didn't like about them. Whether it was the detail, the fabric, the style--everything looked quite generic in my eyes... My sister even agreed that none of the dresses were spectacular. She brought up the fact that I should think about increasing my budget for the dress...and said, "well, I just want you to look gorgeous on your wedding day...despite any drama between us."

Every now and then, she has a soul.

So, my sister brought up that dress again. Out of exhaustion and curiousity, I agreed to put it on.

It fit like a glove...and it wasn't extremely overbearing like some of the other dresses...

As I walked outside to the mirrors to look at it....I stood speechless.

I had absolutely not one critical thing to say about it...

People had told me that when you find the dress that you like, you just know...and, man...it was weird. As I stared at the dress in the mirror, wondering how on Earth I was going to pay for it, my sales clerk said to me, "...and with our sale today, this $800 dress is selling for $99."

Excuse me? Could you repeat that? Did you just say that this dress is $99??

My sister stood there beaming, which was cute, and remarked that she picked it out because she thought it was something our mom would have picked out...which is totally right on. At that moment, I was so happy that my sister was there...even if she can be crappy at times...

Then, a group of women next to me, watching their family member try on dresses, commented on the dress and how amazing it looked. Others joined in and said how elegant it looked... Being overwhelmed, I quickly remarked, "can you believe that its only $100???"

The room went silent....and, suddenly, a weird frenzy entered the room.

Three sales clerks approached me and said that their customers wanted to try on the dress after me and looked at the serial number on the tag. I looked around the room and, sure enough, there are various brides staring at me...and pointing...and nodding...and looking longingly...

I smiled and said to my sales clerk, "I'm so sorry, my dear, but you're going to have to tell them that this is the one...and I'm taking it with me today." :o)

The funny part about this dress is that it is so opposite to what I thought I wanted...and, in addition, it's something I would have totally ignored on the David's Bridal website! But, despite the pictures not doing the dress justice, I'm so happy with my purchase. I looked at pictures this morning and I sighed. This is how I know that this is the dress...:)

...so nice to have a dress that makes you feel...like a bride. :)

P.S. I will definitely be covering up the tattoo on my back with makeup the day of the wedding. :)

P.P.S. If you click on the pictures, you can see larger photos with better detail.

P.S. This post may not be up long just because I don't want resident hubby to see. :)

Deep Thoughts w/Nichole Richie

So, a few months ago, I was at home...and our doorbell rang.

Because our balcony is directly above the front door, I just walked outside and called down to see who it was. (This also saves me energy from a couple of sets of stairs and serves as a good safety measure.) A woman said hello and, maybe because of her HUGE sunglasses, for a split second I thought it was Nichole Richie.



She was a random person inquiring about the unit available beside us. So, we spent a few minutes talking about the structure and amenities of the condo, which I was more than happy to do. (If the unit next to us sold, all of them would be full and a better selling point on ours in a few years.) She was...very young, used the word "like" quite a bit...and talking about the 3 or 4 dogs that she has (all of them are Yorkshire Terriers).

I thought things were going well...except when she starting talking about resident hubby and my plan for the next few years. Puzzled, I asked her what she was referring to. She was talking about the noise level...and I was even more confused.

Finally, she spit out the question that instantly produced 5 more gray hairs on my head.

Her: "Well...are you, like, going to have babies any time soon?"

Oh, dear.

I, obviously, couldn't hide the look on my face...which was a mix between annoyance and confusion.

She was outside of our condo today, once again...and she caught me as I was about to take Moe for a walk... I didn't recognize who she was until she reminded me of our meeting in the summer.

It looks like she's going to be our new neighbor...:o)

She probably doesn't realize it but she will, to me, forever be known as "girl who poses extreeeeeeeemely deep questions upon her future neighbors." :o)

Moving

Wow... This page feels so empty without all the 500+ posts that I decided to send into "storage"...:o)

So, yup, I'm finally moving my page...for a few reasons.

The first reason...is kind of a weird one.

I've had this blog for almost 3 years...and, when I began it, I was very geared towards talking about the hardships that you face when you are dating a doctor...and, also, the new life that was thrown upon me with all of the changes after my parents passed away. I spoke openly about my sobriety, my opinions, my education, my relationship...and...I did this because I was overwhelmed with all of the changes. Blogging about them posed as a way to vent...and a way to get other people's opinions. In many ways, I grew up a lot the last couple of years...and I want my blog to reflect that.

Today, I feel differently about things. I feel like I want a clean slate to begin the new chapter of resident hubby and my story. I want to start where we are right now--planning a wedding, planning our next career/educational move, and, ultimately, even throwing some kids into the mix. When I would go to write out a new post on this blog, I found myself obsessing about old stuff that was posted. I realized, at that moment, that I just needed to start fresh.

In addition to that, I got rid of the old posts...because I wanted a bit more privacy. With the end of resident hubby's residency in a short period of time, we're going to be flying around for eventual jobs...and I started to see more hits on statcounter around the area that we live in. This just really bothered me....even if they were random people using "naked doctor secretary" as the search keywords. :-P

It was really, really, really hard to get rid of all of the pictures of Moe...and resident hubby...and the condo...and various events that have taken place. But, hopefully, this will allow me to take a different approach to things... I look forward to starting over again. :)

Anyways, long story short--we're not disappearing. We're just moving...:-) I should have the new address up and running by the weekend. :)